Movies – The Chamber of Spoilers

5 of the Best “Pride and Prejudice” Retellings

Posted on November 5, 2020November 5, 2020 by rachelfinston

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen is one of the most retold stories, and there are numerous adaptations, retellings, and novels based on the story available for lovers of Elizabeth Bennett and William Darcy. Here are a few of my favorite versions of the classic novel.

Bride and Prejudice

This is one of my top films of all time, and for good reason. It’s a Bollywood style movie, filmed mostly in English. There are a million reasons to love it: the songs are catchy and amazing, it’s really funny, and the actors are top-notch. The casting is perfect, in particular Indira Varma, who I love in everything she does but perfectly encapsulates Kiran (Caroline Bingley) and her bitchy, classier-than-thou energy. The biggest star-power in the film comes from Naveen Andrews, best known for Lost, and Aishwarya Rai, who does not require any introduction. If you haven’t seen this movie, you have not lived!

The Lizzie Bennett Diaries

This cross-platform multimedia web series drew a lot of eyeballs when it first debuted, and if you’re looking for a slow-burn long-form P&P experience, this is for you. There are a hundred episodes on the main channel, and a lot of supplemental material for one looking to fully immerse in the world of Lizzie Bennett, communications grad student living at home, and tormented by her mother’s ambition to marry off her daughters to eligible Bing Lee, a young med student new to the neighborhood. I watched all of the vlog-style episodes as they were released, and have embarked on a rewatch this month.

Longbourn, by Jo Baker

This novel shows how the other half lives, telling the story of the domestic servants in the Bennett household as the events of Pride and Prejudice unfold. Housemaid Sarah, orphaned and lonesome, sees the world through fresh eyes, and experiences love, loss and triumphs of her own, in a life entirely different from the comparably privileged Bennett family.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, by Seth Grahame-Smith

While the whole monster adaptation thing got kind of out of hand, this book is actually a very enjoyable read. It’s a darker take on P&P, with the love story set against the backdrop of a zombie plague ravaging seventeenth century England. It’s gritty, sarcastic, angsty, and incredibly entertaining. It was made into a starkly mediocre movie, but the book really holds up and it a fun, unusual version of the tale.

Eligible, by Curtis Sittenfeld

This novel follows the Bennett sisters in the modern-day, all single and with their mother desperate to see them married, especially as Jane is pushing forty. Jane hits it off with new neighbor Chip Bingley, but Liz has friction with Chip’s friend Fitzwilliam Darcy, who is less than charming. This book is sexy and surprising, plus it answers a lot of the questions Austen fans might have about a modern Elizabeth Bennett- does she want kids? Will she get married? Does she use Tinder? This novel is a heftier read than a lot of other similar books, but worth it.

These are some of the best Pride and Prejudices, but there are a million more! If you’re looking for a new favorite, The Clergyman’s Wife by Molly Greeley might be for you. It tells the story of Charlotte Collins, formerly Charlotte Lucas, discovering that love might overcome being sensible for the first time in her life. We’re giving away a paperback copy of The Clergyman’s Wife! To enter, all you have to do is like this post. You can also follow us to see giveaways for the rest of November!

Books, Movies

Movie Adaptations That Were Irredeamably Bad

Posted on January 7, 2020January 7, 2020 by rachelfinston

A lot of great books become okay movies (Ella Enchanted), and some become really great movies (The Princess Bride.) A few become horrible, weird disasters that are not recognizable as the books we love. A lot of these adaptations are young adult fantasy, partially because so little effort goes into making media for young adults and kids. Here are some movies that were face-palmingly disappointing. Of course, the people who worked on these movies worked hard and are human beings, but we can critique the films without being too critical of the people who made them happen.

The Percy Jackson Series

It is almost universally agreed within the fandom that the Percy Jackson movies were terrible. They even made a second one despite the horrible reception the first received, in an attempt to save the franchise. The biggest mistake this movie made was taking the heart out of the series. They aged up the characters in order to sell the movie to teens, and instead of sticking to the source material, made cheap jokes about sex and used a lot of expensive visual effects. While a lot of books don’t translate well to the screen, Percy Jackson could have been amazing. It could have been on the level of Harry Potter as a film series, if it was done right. It literally would have been better if they had a robot voice read the text of the book and had the only visual be the Microsoft screen saver. Even the author publicly repudiated the movies. Zero stars.

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Divergent

The Divergent series has a lot of issues- and we won’t get into those now, but the movies were a huge flop. They did not even complete the series, which gives you an idea of how poorly they were received. The studio kind of got in over their heads by splitting the last book into two films. The last book was pretty bad, and while the first movie didn’t divert much from the book, it only exposed the weaknesses inherent in the book. One of the central facets of the book was the love story, which was wooden in the movie. It doesn’t help that the male lead looks about ten years older than his costar. As movies go, I’d skip these ones and save a couple of hours.

The Mortal Instruments

While Cassandra Clare’s popular series is a byzantine, magical journey, it’s also kind of a crazy ride. Some of the source material didn’t exactly translate well to the screen (incest, but not the real kind.) The movie flopped, and then there was a second attempt with a TV show, which hit a lot of the same beats without fixing the inherent issues (too many characters, too much plot, too much explanation.) While Clare has continued writing her books, it’s probably safe to say that they won’t be making their way to the screen any time soon.

lily collins film GIF — Me trying to make sense of this movie

Vampire Academy

Admittedly, this movie is only really bad if you read the books. The books are kind of dark, emotional, and intense. The movie is a campy comedy, with romantic subplots. It’s mostly disappointing for fans of the books, which are much deeper and more complex than the movie, which basically just makes vampire jokes for two hours. It’s kind of a fun, silly thing, but it’s barely recognizable, with the exception of the book’s basic mythology and characters. Like the Percy Jackson series, there was a lot more source material, but further films have not metastasized. It’s just disappointing that the studio beefed it on what could have been an epic saga. They also un-ironically subtitled this film Vampire Academy: Blood Sisters, which is so menstrual that it has to be on purpose?

The question remains: why are all of these excellent books being butchered to make movies that barely recoup their costs? To my mind, the answer is twofold, and fairly straightforward. Firstly, movie studios think that they can make a quick buck if they make films even vaguely based on source material that is popular. They think that people who liked the book will go see the movie on principal. Even if you go to hate-watch it, they still have your money! Secondly, Hollywood thinks kids and teens are stupid, or at the very least, not demanding. This is wrong on several levels, but believing it means that they can write lazy movies with bad casting on the assumption that people will watch anything. To some extent, they’re right. Mortdecai made 47.3 million dollars. Some people will go see anything, once. However, if you have a viable franchise, and you throw it away for a cash-grab, people aren’t going to come see the next one. That’s why all of this is so disappointing, and such a waste. These are decent books, some of them are brilliant, and they deserved better than they got. Studios have proved that they can make great movies for teens and kids, they’ve just decided not to try. Two thumbs down for effort.

kerry washington ugh GIF by ABC Network

Books, Movies

“Crazy Rich Asians” Series

Posted on August 23, 2017August 23, 2017 by rachelfinston

In the spring, I finally got my hands on Crazy Rich Asians, Kevin Kwan’s 2013 best-selling book about Singaporean and Chinese millionaires and billionaires. It was a true revelation, as clearly evidenced by its wide-spread success, and the book is getting a film adaptation in 2018. I loved the book, it was charming and funny and gut-wrenching, with twists and turns and biting wit that kept me reading until I had consumed the book whole. Seriously, if you have yet to read it, you must. It is mandatory.

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One of the most interesting part of the book for me was the cultural immersion the reader experiences. Phrases in various east Asian dialects are interspersed naturally in the dialogue, cultural norms are clarified, and food gets the special treatment of elegant, sumptuous description that would make even the most picky eater salivate. This complete immersion into the culture of the protagonists would probably require a lot of googling, but the author has wonderful footnotes that explain phrases, events and honorifics that the average reader (such as myself) might find confusing. The author has a freshly knowledgeable voice, and delves into an intense social structure with gusto. I have a detailed and farcical culture of my own, which I barely understand, and diving into this book was a breath of fresh air, to be honest. It is a book in which one can completely submerge oneself.

I read the sequel, China Rich Girlfriend, which, to my great delight, did not jump the shark. A lot of sequels fail to live up to expectations, but this one was a standout. Kitty Pong, a morally dubious side character from the first book, is made actually sympathetic in the second, and lots of other new characters are introduced without awkwardness. Focusing this book’s main trajectory on Rachel’s family was the right call, as opposed to continuing on with Nick’s family drama, which remains important but periphery. Nick is much more likable too, his honesty with Rachel and their working as a team in this book is satisfying for those of us who were cheering for them. The dissolution of Astrid’s marriage was expected, while money does a lot in this world, it can’t fix everything. Plus, we love Charlie with Astrid. His unselfish love for her is what she deserves, especially when sudden success makes Michael into someone Astrid can’t abide. There is excellent foreshadowing regarding Colette Bing’s true temperament when we see the way she interacts with her family and her servants. The book ends in Nick and Rachel’s families accepting them (with the exception of Nick’s grandmother, who I think we’ll be seeing more of in the next book) giving them both an excellent foundation for marriage, based on strong support from their families, who have accepted the match, and in Rachel’s case, her presence in their family.

There is a movie coming out next year, of which I have high expectations. It is frustrating that there are so few actors and actresses who are Asian who have had the opportunity to be successful, but I anticipate that the success of this movie will make way for more media focused on Asia and Asian-Americans, a severely underrepresented group. In the mean time, I eagerly look forward to getting my hands on the third book, which will only make me hungrier for more.

Movies

“Wonder Woman” Kicked Ass

Posted on June 25, 2017June 25, 2017 by rachelfinston

We all saw Gal Gadot onscreen as Diana, princess of Themyscira, demigoddess and Amazonian warrior, in Man of Steel 2: Batman vs. Superman last year, but she didn’t really get to shine until she got her own movie this summer. The box office revenue speaks for itself, Wonder Woman is set to be the highest grossing film of the summer, it’s breaking records like gangbusters, and it’s still in theaters. Still, the impact of Wonder Woman is possibly as of yet unknowable- it’s pretty amazing seeing a Jewish woman playing the warrior princess of legend, and a woman taking center stage in any superhero movie.
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The beginning of the movie is just beautiful, Themyscira is an untouched island of pure magic, populated by strong, powerful Amazons. This picturesque setting provides a perfect contrast to the smog-filled London streets and western front, which show the difference between the morally black-and-white world of Diana’s origin and the world of men and women, where there are gray areas. Diana’s character arc is partially based in her acquiring the understanding of a moral spectrum, and of the complications inherent in humanity. She sees Steve Trevor, and she sees an unquestionably good man, but his decisions confuse her, his choices seem out of character to her. She sees the gang of misfits they employ, and she sees that they contain their share of good, and does not understand how they can be so dissolute. In getting to know them as a proxy for all of humanity, she sees that they are morally complex, existing on a continuum of good and evil, not a binary. Selling goods at the war front, acting, and shooting people from behind are at first inscrutable to Diana, but she grows to understand. Her ability to empathize with others is her greatest asset, and she grows so much during the course of the film, as she takes on the world.
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The supporting actors are no less extraordinary than Gadot or Pine, both of whom are obviously wonderful in their roles, Robin Wright in particular being a standout. She conveys the love and concern of an aunt, while mentoring her young charge with the necessary pragmatism. Sacrificing her own life to save Diana is entirely within character, and her loss is a moving moment in the film. The inclusion of actors and characters of color is clearly deliberate, and it works. I have almost no complaints about the film, though it seems as though it could have easily been written by a female, rather than a male screenwriter. I know seeing the movie with my mom was an amazing experience, and I don’t doubt thousands of little girls out there had the same awe-filled reaction as I did.

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Movies

Netflix Gems: Rom Coms

Posted on April 20, 2017 by rachelfinston

We all love Netflix. It’s a service a lot of people use, which provides an excellent product and allows us to binge on television and movies in an easy and fun way. However, it can sometimes be difficult to find things to watch that you haven’t seen a million times, so I thought I would make a few lists of great things to watch on Netflix. So, without further ado, here are the best romantic comedies you can watch on Netflix.

The Decoy Bride: This is a great movie, starring David Tennant and Kelly Macdonald. It’s set on a small Scottish island, where the beautiful Alice Eve portrays an actress trying to get married in secret, and the whole island gets totally turned upside down. Kelly Macdonald is lovely and sympathetic as the protagonist Katie, and the music is awesome.
The Switch: Jennifer Aniston has her time and place, but the real strength of this movie is the cuteness between the father, Jason Bateman, and their son. This movie is not super profound, but it is a cute love story about falling in love with family.
Practical Magic: Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are both always a win, but as witches they are fun and sweet. The movie is about love, but also about sisterhood, and family. 100% would watch again.
Bridget Jones’ Diary: The whole Bridget Jones cannon is brilliant, but the first film is always fun to come back to. You may have even forgotten some of the funniest bits.
The Last Five Years: The songs are a bit hit or miss, but this movie-musical is beautifully romantic and terribly sad. Anna Kendrick continues to be a promising talent, and Jeremy Jordan is a great leading man. Don’t watch this if you want to be reassured of the reality of love, because it doesn’t end well.
While You Were Sleeping: Wow, two Sandra Bullock movies in one list! This movie is just some sweet ’90s fun.
After the Ball: A young woman gets kicked out of her family’s clothing company. What else is there to do but dress as a man and prove herself? She also happens to fall in love along the way. Very sweet, very Canadian.
10 Things I Hate About You: Another classic ’90s movie with a cast of some future famous people and some future nobodies. Funny, sweet, sex-positive and full of poetry.

That’s eight to get you started, comment your favorite rom-coms, specifically ones you can stream.

Movies

“Bridget Jones Baby” A Labor of Love

Posted on April 17, 2017April 17, 2017 by rachelfinston

We haven’t had a new Bridget Jones in more than ten years, so it’s about time Renée Zellweger got back to charming the pants of me. The original is a classic, the sequel is hilarious, and this film, released in 2016, is a riot. A very worthy finale to a tremendous franchise, and one with a female star over forty! What a win.

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Bridget Jones is perpetually single, and having her back in the metaphorical saddle is just the best part of 2016. Her delivery continues to be perfect, and her two co-stars are the best pairing in a rom-com I’ve seen in a while. Patrick Dempsey wears so many cable knit sweaters. He’s great as the lonely billionaire our Bridge falls into bed with and yet not in love with. As a possible father, he is supportive, kind, and accommodating. By far his best moments are pretending to be Mark’s husband, and him being way too nice and kinda new age-y. The math guy wants a family, and one appears to him. His longing for a family makes sense, and his being a nice guy makes him do the right thing. He was a perfect replacement for Hugh Grant, whom all of us loved to hate as Daniel Cleaver.

bridget

Emma Thompson is another pedigreed actress, and she brings the movie some much-appreciated brilliance. You probably need a sense of humor like that to be an OB-GYN, but she bounces off of the other characters with her good sense in a way that is both charming and ridiculous. I love her in everything, but she’s lovely in this, marrying her usual dry wit with kind sensibility.
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Colin Firth is his usual brilliant self, and I couldn’t get enough of him. He so desperately wants to be with Bridget, but he respects her and her choices and wants to do what it takes to make her happy. When he thinks that Jack is what will make her happy, he steps back. Mark loves Bridget enough to commit himself to another man’s son, while Jack isn’t quite that selfless. Also, Colin Firth breaking a window calmly is all I needed from life. I’m not sure if getting bitten or punched directly in the face is worse, but we all knew it was going to be Mark. It has always been Mark for Bridget. The film was excellent, made even better by a stellar soundtrack. It’s a fitting end to a great series, and it gives the first two films a great resolution. Also, Bridget bouncing her son on her hip one-armed is a move all moms have had to master. Good on you, Bridge. Bridget Jones hot fabulous renee zellweger milf GIF

Movies

“Lego Batman” is Better

Posted on April 3, 2017April 3, 2017 by rachelfinston

The commercial success of The Lego Movie was almost certainly going to be followed by a sequel, but The Lego Batman Movie was unanticipated, by me at least. Will Arnett is hilarious, and his part in The Lego Movie was highly entertaining, and it seems like intellectual property should prevent this, but nope. And now that I’ve seen the movie, I’m actually pretty floored.

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Unpopular opinion: I dislike Batman. He’s kind of bad at being a superhero, and the guy is in serious need of therapy. I have a lot of other reasons, but the bottom line is that Batman is mostly uninteresting to me. More popular opinion: I hated Man of Steel 2. I tried to watch Batman Begins but it bored me so much that I had to give up on it. I’m usually a completist, but it was genuinely so long and so dull that I just turned it off. Batman in general doesn’t interest me much, but I was such a fan of The Lego Movie that I decided I needed to see it, and it was a riot. Batman is funniest at his most self-aware, and this movie is remarkably good at poking fun at itself.

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The Lego Batman Movie makes Batman just as angsty and and as much of a loner as he’s been previously, but it’s just so funny to watch him do his own thing while his companions try to make him understand how insane he is. As the audience, we see Batman’s irrationality- but it’s funny, not frustrating. The supporting cast is a triumph- as previously stated, Rosario Dawson is always a win. Ralph Fiennes as Alfred is just gold, and Michael Cera performs an extremely Michael Cera role while being way more sympathetic than Batman is. The rest of the voice talent is first-class, and there are some real stars who you might not have recognized, including Conan O’Brien, Mariah Carrey, Jonah Hill and Ellie Kemper. Zach Galifianakis as the Joker is obviously the movie’s best character, frankly better than Jared Leto’s Joker in the epic failure Suicide Squad. The chemistry with the villains is flawless, and ultimately, I’d like to see more movies like this one. lego lego batman the lego batman movie GIF

Books, Movies

The Lunar Chronicles Movie?

Posted on March 24, 2017March 23, 2017 by rachelfinston

Cinder and its successors in The Lunar Chronicles have been a breakthrough in the last few years in the world of Young Adult fiction. Dystopian novels have been dominating the genre over the last ten years, but Cinder gives them all a run for their money. The books tackle race, mental illness, physical disabilities and differences, what it is to be human, and the laws of man and alien. A lot of YA books have been getting film adaptions, with varying degrees of success, including the very successful Hunger Games and the flop Divergent movies. Marissa Meyer, series author, has addressed movie rumors by saying that she no longer holds the movie rights, and that there is a script in the works. If done right, a Cinder movie could be a breakthrough for the genre, but casting could make or break the movie.

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For Cinder protagonist Linh Cinder, producers or studios may definitely attempt to white-wash the role. Meyer has specified that Cinder has Asian features or is mixed-race, with dark hair and eyes. But, since she is not outright identified as Asian in the books, it wouldn’t surprise me if they cast a white woman in this role. I have no idea who could play this complicated and nuanced character, but I hope they cast her properly, as a person of color. Her love interest, Kai, is specified as Asian, and must be played by an Asian actor, but that hasn’t stopped LA before.

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All of the protagonists are interesting, complicated and full of life. The role of Scarlet Benoit could go to a lot of actresses, since there are a lot of white redheads out there. If they’re casting for level of fame, the obvious choice is Emma Stone, who could definitely play younger, though I’ve never heard her do an accent. I also like Holland Roden of Teen Wolf fame, or maybe Bella Thorne. Scarlet would be a challenging role, she has a lot of complicated emotional baggage and her life only gets more complicated as the series continues. I don’t have any preferences for Cress, although I think Evanna Lynch could be the right choice. She plays innocent well, and she looks like Cress.

In general, I don’t have a lot of preferences for this movie. I think, if it happens, it will be a big-budget franchise, and there’s a lot at stake. My only real concern is casting characters of color, specifically Winter and Cinder, who are specified as being POC. In terms of the male roles, there isn’t huge room for error. All of the series’ characters are fleshed out, but the female characters are more complex than Hollywood usually goes for. I think that this could be a step in the right direction, assuming no one screws up.

Books, Movies

Thoughts on Allegiant

Posted on July 14, 2014May 12, 2019 by rachelfinston

For a long time, I resisted the pull to read the popular Divergent Trilogy. I had already been disappointed by The Hunger Games books, and I have read too many other dystopias that are good to waste my tolerance for the genre on a poor facsimile. However, I did decide to give the first book a chance. I read it, and found it to be very interesting and compelling, and purely for reasons of completion, decided to read the other two.

Divergent Divergent Movie animated GIF — Here we go!

While I found Insurgent tolerable and even interesting, it was really fast paced, which made it difficult to cram all of the character development Roth wanted to fit in into the novel. I read Insurgent and Allegiant back to back, which might have exacerbated the obvious and problematic differences in the latter. Roth’s explanation of “We’re all just rats in someone’s locker” falls completely flat. If you replace every time they say “science” or “genetics” with “magic” “voodoo” or “energy” the story would be exactly the same! Oh, by the way, your whole world is a lie. And all of the characters reconcile themselves with this pretty damn quickly! The dual perspective is a bit jarring, it’s a bit distracting from the narrative flow. It is nice to see things from Four’s perspective for a change, but he and Tris seem to think fairly similarly. The world Roth created outside “the experiment” doesn’t make much sense. How can so few people be rebelling with any effect? Surely someone remembers the countless other wars fought in the name of equality? My other problem with Allegiant is that I can’t think of it ending any other way. With most endings that upset me, I can just make up my own ending and be happy with that. But with the story that Veronica Roth was trying to tell, the ending she wrote is the only one that I can see. Of course Tris would never willingly let someone die for her, if she could save them and sacrifice herself. When Tris tried to die for everyone in Insurgent, she was saved, because she was trying to sacrifice herself for selfish reasons. But when she died to preserve her city and change the world that she had just discovered, she did something entirely in character with the person she had become. But it didn’t stop me from just bawling like a small child.

The problem is that Roth gets you very invested in Tris and Four’s relationship. So many people die in the course of the books, but Tris was the main character. We heard her thoughts and knew her deepest feelings, we connected with her. If she had not sacrificed her life for her brother, it would not have not been in character, but this is the story that Roth chose to tell. Tris and Tobias have their happiness but for a little while, it’s like teasing. They have so little time together when they’re just happy and get to be themselves. They’re always fighting a war that they were born into, and later a fight that they don’t even have ownership of. While I don’t think the ending is fair, life isn’t fair. Neither is death. Who cares? Tris did the right thing. She did the only thing she could. There was no ending to this book that had her live. Tobias honored her by defying his fears. He reconciled with his mother, and stopped the war. He did what he had to do, and so did she. The ending isn’t fair to Tobias, and I can definitely see him developing a drinking problem later in life, but it was the only ending. And, despite my grief, I have accepted that. Bye Casablanca animated GIF

Movies

REWIND: Superman: The Movie (1978)

Posted on June 16, 2014December 18, 2019 by rachelfinston

I’ve always loved super hero movies, mostly for the moral certainty that they provide. While our world is complicated, full of shades of grey morality-wise, super hero movies typically have an Evil Villain and a Great Hero. Our Hero does the Right Thing, and stops the Villain from his antagonistic actions, usually against innocent people and cute little girls. Do not take from any of this that I dislike these movies. I kinda resent the fact that Wonder Woman hasn’t had her own screen time since the late seventies, and we’ve had approximately seven billion Batman, Spiderman and Superman reboots since, plus the latest developments in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but I love super hero movies. So I thought I’d watch an oldie but a goody, and I pulled out the original Superman movie, starring Christopher Reeve.

Here we go.

Firstly, after approximately seven minutes of credits, our first look at Zod & Co. has them imprisoned by weird magnetic Hula-Hoops? The criminal prosecutor (who happens to be Jor-El) also sounds a bit British, which has me wondering if that’s just how Kryptonians sound, or if it’s an affectation.

Honestly, aside from possibly starving to death (which obviously can’t happen, they’re basically invulnerable) this seems like a lame punishment. They’re basically just bored and trapped. Unless they all actually hate each other and an eternity in space would just be interminably awkward. Sentence for plotting to overthrow the government, being an unreasonable brute, hating children and being a feminist: trapped through the looking glass.

“I will abide by the council’s decision. Neither my wife nor I will leave Kyrpton.”

Annnnd you all see the loophole here, he didn’t promise not to evacuate his newborn son.

The council forgot that tiny loophole.

This whole thing looks very child-safe, they definitely baby-proofed their rocket.

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Parenting! Everyone complained about how long the Krypton introductory sequence took in Man of Steel, but in this movie it takes over twenty minutes for the planet to explode. Both movies, incidentally, have the same running time, 143 minutes.

Martha: How I've prayed for a child! — Martha: How I’ve prayed for a child!

This exchange where Martha thanks God for finally sending her a baby (although not the traditional way) and Jonathan deflects is much funnier now than when I was ten. Of course, it is swiftly followed by some heart attack foreshadowing.

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Then, off to build the Fortress of Solitude! Which is apparently located in the polar bear exhibit at the Chicago Zoo.

Encountering the Jor-Elgram, Clark proceeds to A Brief Study of the Universe by Dad, which somehow takes only twelve years? These pass in half a minute.

Christopher Reeve Comics animated GIF — Look at that face!

So, while many disparaged Man of Steel for too much exposition, this movie has 45 minutes of Krypton, Kansas, and Kal-El education before we actually get to Metropolis and The Daily Planet. We finally meet the delightfully awkward adult Clark Kent, and the apparently spelling impaired Lois Lane, and he is immediately interesting to her, which is adorable and funny.

We see a bit of Lex Luthor and his comic relief (or, the other function they serve, inept side-kicks), but only enough to ascertain that his crime du jour will be real-estate related, and he has daddy issues.

Then, Lois blows off Clark to do a journalist thing because she’s super career driven, and gets into a bit of an accident with a helicopter, giving Superman the perfect opportunity to save her.

Of course, she promptly faints, having just falling out of a helicopter and being saved by a flying man in quick succession. We get a cool scene where Superman adds another power to his list: quip machine. He stops a criminal climbing up the side of a glass building, which, in retrospect, seems pretty easy to catch. He foils a few more petty crimes, and saves a cat from a tree. He hands the ugly cat off to its young, pigtailed owner, who responds with the usual “Gee, thanks mister.” And he flies off. The girl is then slapped by her mother off-screen for “telling lies” about a big flying man. Hehe! Classic comedy with the domestic abuse.

He saves a few more broken flying things, then we cut to Lex Luthor and his minions swimming in the sewers.

Screen Shot 2014-06-16 at 4.57.00 PM — Gross.

Back to the romance of the century!

Superman invites himself over to Lois’ place, they talk, it’s adorably awkward on her end, for a change.

This, for the curious viewer, brings the total of dick jokes to two. Pretty subtle ones, but definitely dick jokes. Read into that what you will.

Lois and Clark go on a flying date, with a lot of meaningful looks and some Lois voice-over. She says her goodbyes to him in a daze, only to be awoken by loud knocking on her door. Clark is here to pick her up for a date!

Note the comic amount of locks on Lois' door. — Note the comic amount of locks on Lois’ door.

Meanwhile, Dumb, Dumb and Dumber, figure out Superman’s legendary weakness. Double L lures Superman down to his sewer hideout by pretending to be about to murder a ton of people. And then proceeds to explain his plan to murder a ton of people in an entirely different way.

Superman does not deal with minions. This look is all sass.

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Lex tricks him into opening a lead box with Kryptonite in it, and throws him in the pool. You know, just to add insult to injury. Of course, before leaving Superman to drown, Lex makes a terrible pun. Lex’s minion (the female one) helps Superman get free, and he flies off to SAAAAVE THE DAY!

He saves a bunch of school kids and somehow keeps the crust of the earth from falling in?

He also turns back time to save Lois’ life, and throws Lex and the accomplice who didn’t help him escape in prison. Then he does the usual flying in space with a smile ending, followed by ten minutes of credits. Fin.

While the new movie is good, and Henry Cavill is dreamy, there’s something to be said for the classics. I love the over-the-top villainy, the weird outfits, and every expression on Christopher Reeve’s face, ever. He is Superman.